My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
