Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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