Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
