I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
