you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
