Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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