I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
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Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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