it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
