Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
