u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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