Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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