I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
