I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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