you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
