There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
