I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
