I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
