I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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