Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
