Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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