my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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