Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 2 1 whiskey
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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