Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
