Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
