Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
