How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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