i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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