they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
