If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
