You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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