i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
