I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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