everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
