The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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