New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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