you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
