Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
