ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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