and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
