I love black thongs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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