who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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