So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
