Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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