I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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