i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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