Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
