How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
