so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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