When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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