I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
