The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
