my mouth tastes like poor choices
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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