I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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