i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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