i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
two words: eviction party
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home