i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.