i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
where are you?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum