I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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